You've Got Mail!
A Collection of Funny, Sweet and Inspirational Mail Received by Minnie...
including poems, quotes and other ramblings.
|A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A brunette came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there." If your not sure what a 710 is, click here.|
CLASS REUNION OF A 50+ LADY
I had prepared for it like any intelligent knowing that all the extra weight would just melt off in 24-hours, leaving me with my sleek, trim, high-school-girl body.
The last many years of careful cellulite collection would just be gone with a snap of a finger. I knew if I didn't eat a morsel on Friday, that I could probably fit into my senior formal on Saturday.
Trotting up to the attic, I pulled the gown out of the garment bag, carried it lovingly downstairs, ran my hand over the fabric, and hung it on the door. I stripped naked, looked in the mirror, sighed, and thought, “Well, okay, maybe if I shift it all to the back...” Bodies never have pockets where you need them.
Bravely, I took the gown off the hanger, unzipped the shimmering dress and stepped gingerly into it. I struggled, twisted, turned, and pulled and I got the formal all the way up to my knees ... before the zipper gave out.
I was disappointed. I wanted to wear that dress with those silver platform sandals again and dance the night away.
Okay, one setback was not going to spoil my mood for this affair. No way! Rolling the dress into a ball and tossing it into the corner, I turned to Plan B: The black velvet caftan.
I gathered up all the goodies that I had purchased at the drug store: the scented shower gel, the bodybuilding / highlighting shampoo & conditioner, and the split-end killer and shine enhancer.
Soon my hair would look like that girl’s in the Pantene ads. Then the makeup: the under eye “ain't no lines here” firming cream, the all-day face-lifting gravity -fighting moisturizer with wrinkle filler spackle, the all day “kiss me till my lips bleed, and see if this gloss will come off” lipstick, the bronzing face powder for that special glow...
But first, the roll-on facial hair remover. I could feel the wrinkles shuddering in fear.
OK - time to get ready...I jumped into the steaming shower, soaped, lathered, rinsed, shaved, tweezed, buffed, scrubbed, and scoured my body to a tingling pink. I plastered my freshly scrubbed face with the anti-wrinkle, gravity fighting, “your face will look like a baby's butt” face cream. I set my hair on the hot rollers. I felt wonderful.
Ready to take on the world. . . . or in this instance, my underwear. cont. next column
With the towel firmly wrapped around my glistening body, I pulled out the black lace, tummy-tucking, cellulite-pushing, ham hock-rounding girdle, and the matching “lifting those bosoms like they're filled with helium” bra. I greased my body with the scented body lotion and began the plunge. I pulled, stretched, tugged, hiked, folded, tucked, twisted, shimmied, hopped, pushed, wiggled, snapped, shook, caterpillar crawled, and kicked. Sweat poured off my forehead but I was done. And it didn't look bad. So I rested.
A well deserved rest, too. The girdle was on my body. Bounce a quarter off my behind? It was tighter than a trampoline. Can you say, “Rubber baby buggy bumper butt?” Okay, so I had to take baby steps, and walk sideways, and I couldn't move from my butt cheeks to my knees. But I was firm!
Oh no...I had to go to the bathroom. And there wasn't a snap crotch. From now on, undies gotta have a snap crotch. I was ready to rip it open and re-stitch the crotch with Velcro, but the pain factor from past experiments was still fresh in my mind.
I quickly sidestepped to the bathroom. An hour later, I had answered nature's call and repeated the struggle into the girdle.
I was ready for the bra. I remembered what the saleslady said to do. I could see her glossed lips mouthing, “Do not fasten the bra in the front, and twist it around. Put the bra on the way it should be worn --- straps over the shoulders. Then bend over and gently place both breasts inside the cups.” Easy, if you have four hands! But, with confidence, I put my arms into the holsters, bent over and pulled the bra down...but the boobs weren't cooperating. I'd no sooner tuck one in a cup and, while placing the other, the first would slip out. I needed a strategy.
I bounced up, and down a few times, tried to dribble them in with short bunny hops, but that didn't work. So, while bent over, I began rocking gently back and forth on my heel and toes and I set 'em to swinging. Finally, on the fourth swing, pause, and lift, I captured the gliding glands. Quickly fastening the back of the bra, I stood up for examination.
Back straight, slightly arched, I turned and faced the mirror, turning front, and then sideways. I smiled. Yes, Houston, we have lift up! My breasts were high, firm and there was cleavage! I was happy until I tried to look down. I had a chin rest. And I couldn't see my feet. I still had to put on my pantyhose, and shoes. Oh... why did I buy heels with buckles?
Then I had to pee again.
I put on my (purple) sweats, fixed myself a drink, ordered pizza, and skipped the reunion. (Author Unknown)
"The most valuable thing I have is my sense of humor and I hope to share it with as many women as possible...it really DOES help to laugh at ourselves (I do it at least once a day!). Our minds are very powerful and with practice, we can control the thoughts we dwell on....it always feels better to dwell on the positive!!" ........Dee
The Hot Flash cake is supposed to contain enough phyto-estrogens to control hot flashes (or flushes as we have in England - flashing is something much more exciting!)
4oz soya flour,
Put all the dry ingredients in a mixing bowl, add soya milk and malt extract. Mix and leave to soak for 30 minutes. Bake in a small loaf tin at 190 degrees C (375F) for 90 minutes. Eat a slice every day with butter or soya spread.
My mother-in-law became quite ill and we chose to honor her and spend her last months focusing on her life and her needs. We are grateful for that decision. She has now passed on with peace and great dignity and we are much richer for the time we were able to devote to her.
I want you to know how your work brought her many moments of laughter during her final months. When she was feeling well enough, I would go to your site and we would look at the cartoons that were available. Even at 82 she could still relate to the cartoons and would laugh and chuckle throughout
As children bring their broken toys,
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God, Because he was my friend.
At last I snatched them back and cried,
"How can you be so slow?"
"My child", he said, "What could I do?
You never did let go."
AAADD- Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
This is how it goes. . .
I decide to get my oil changed, start to the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to change the oil in the car, BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail. Lay car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK I'll just put the bills on my desk. BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out. but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills. Yes, Now where is the checkbook? Oops. There's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty plastic cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks, BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll just put them away, BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head for the door. Aaaagh! someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants, BUT FIRST I need to find those checks.
END OF DAY: Oil in car not change, bill still unpaid, cup still in the sink, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys, And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious. I'd get help, BUT FIRST I think I'll check my e-mail.
Perfect.....just perfect! :) Thanks to "Snookybryant",
Menopause Survival Kit
put M&M's into a cute container and add these directions
To temporarily calm your craving for chocolate, eat the BROWN one.
Posted (with permission) from one of my favorite message boards:
It came to me that I have been fighting menopause for the last three years. I prayed for years for the PMS I battled to go away and to be a better person. I think the answer was menopause. No more awful PMS. So I guess I have accepted it. It doesn't make me like the fact that I am in the late summer of my life. It just makes me take a deep breath and say just move on to the next chapter. I do have more confidence. I will just look at it with the idea that I am on the very young side of 50.(in Dec. I'll be 50) I have raised 3 wonderful children and am married for 31 years. That is such a accomplishment in its self. There is no going back. So I will just move forward and enjoy my age. I am no longer going to feel sorry for myself.
I am still going to work on the libido thing. I am sure I'll feel bad from time to time, but I am in good health and on to a new verture. I have the feeling that a weight has just been lifted off my shoulders. Thanks for listening. I will still be here on this board. I have recieved my best support from all of you. Good luck to all of us. Linda
Time to lighten up--hope this gives you a laugh!
10 Ways to Know if you have Estrogen Issues
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
of its troubles
It empties today of its strength...
FINALLY I know that someone out there understands me! No one seems to want to admit how it really is! My doctor has me scheduled with a shrink to see why my memory is going, he thinks it's either meds or silicone! I now think its normal! Hey, and every cloud DOES have a silver lining...if I start forgetting, maybe I will think the way I feel is normal!
Could I have your permission to print off on my snazzy dot matrix printer ([Hey bell bottoms came back)! Some of the cartoons (just a few to hang up to remind me I'm not alone) I.E.: "Reruns" because of the doctors appt. to show them it's normal. I am on disability so these will not be used for profit but for encouragement only. I can't wait to see what Minnie does next! I think you should be a syndicated columnist with as many baby boomers entering the menopause market...I might start reading the comics again!
May you joys be as deep as the ocean and your sorrows as light as it's foam! God bless you in your endeavors!
Dee, thanks so much for your web site. I know you hear this everyday and many times. You lift my spirits, add laughter to my day and remind me that without humor life would be unbearable. This old woman, with 5 cats, loves you. Thanks again so very much for all your hard work. Sincerely, B.J.
Oh my GOSH!!! LOL this is a wonderful site. I am so glad I found you. It was just what I needed to make me laugh about all that goes with Menopause. Thank you for letting us see the lighter side of this :). I sent this to a good friend of mine and she loved it. Donna
Thanks so much for your information. I have added the
sites you recommended to my favs and will check them
regularly for my Mom and some others I know who need
them. You are doing a great service for many people,
especially the humor! Thanks again. Katherine Barry
I just want to tell you what a lifesaver your newsletter and website are. This past March, I was on my way to a Chiropractor appointment when I almost turned my car around and headed for the hospital to commit myself to the psyche ward. I had been experiencing some memory loss (I am 45 years old) for about six months, along with crazy anxiety moments, and did not have a clue that I might be entering into a new "phase" of Menopause.
Up until then the only symptom I'd had was about two menstrual periods a year and a little insomnia now and then. When I was telling a friend about what I had almost done, she said "sounds to me like menopause." I came home and got on the internet and typed in menopause to see if I could find an on-line support group or something. When I found your website link, I immediately went there to get a good laugh.
I have always believed that humor was good medicine. Not only did I get to laugh but I went to the link that gave the list of symptoms and cried of relief to know that what I was experiencing was normal. I have since then, gone to the doctor for my yearly physical exam and am trying the herbal approach for three months while I investigate ERT.
I visit your site regularly and just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate the networking you have created and the support and comraderie I feel, just knowing that there are probably other women out there just like me. I am not alone anymore. I am fairly new in the town I live in and don't really have any really close friendships built yet. I teach classes in Journal Writing and have created on called "Writing Your Way Through Menopause" which I will start teaching in the fall. I will definitely refer my students to your website.
So thank you Dee, for your wonderful humor and wit and supportive network that saved my sanity.
My face in the mirror
Isn't wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn't dirty.
The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely,
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never
Put my glasses back on.
Top ten rest home party games:
10. Musical Recliners
|Thanks so much for your information. I have added the sites you recommeneded to my favs and will check them regularly for my Mom and some others I know who need them. You are doing a great service for many people, especially the humor! Thanks again. Katherine B.||
For this post menopausal lady, your site has not only been very informative but, a joy to my heart. I'm so glad I found your site! I have passed your site on to all my friends, and will continue to do so!!!!!
A Big Hug To You,
I just wanted to say thank you. I am only 30 and was faced with a total hysterectomy last September and thanks to finding your site right before the operation I went in and came out even better. With my introduction to menopause through Minnie's eyes I believe it may have made it easier. Now
to just make a four year old understand menopause. haha :-) Thanks for all the laughs and helpful tips!!!
Thanks for making humor of menopause,for those of us who are going thru it, it helps to make light of a sometimes bad situation, I am so glad that my sister sent me your site.
Laughing is good.:) Beverly
Your page has given me something to laugh about through this whole mess!! Thank You. I will pass it on to many of my babyboomer friends in the same place I am at with this.
I love this web page....Goshers...I don't know what I would do without it...
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
We all need some humor during our lives Your cartoons hit the nail on the head! ...Bonnie
So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent. I have not whined, complained, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. I have not charged anything on my credit card. However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, andI will need a lot more help after that.
A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea
who she is, where she came from or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is
that one day she wasn’t there, and the next day she was. She is a clever old lady and manages
to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her.
And whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is, hogging the whole thing,
completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude. I have tried screaming
at her, but she just screams back.
If she insists on hanging around, the least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no.
You’d think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream, Lord knows she needs
For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going into my closets
She has done other things -- like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all
Just when I thought she couldn’t get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came along when
"What is wrong with me", I'm screaming in my brain.
On a positive note I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
Note: People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel......
"We're all cracked pots....."
A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the
pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master's house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am
"Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?"
"I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak
The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I
The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."
The moral of this story: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. In this world, nothing goes to waste.